It looks pretty, colorful,
shimmery, glossy. It promises to make you look good, and love you back if you
do. It won’t break your heart, it won’t say mean things to you, it won’t make
you feel bad. It fits you, no matter what size you are. It doesn’t discriminate
– No! Not You! You are not pretty / thin / smart / fair / dusky / intelligent /
deserving / kind enough, put me back! – it never says this.
Makeup sometimes is more than
just some colored cream or powder that you buy to cover a spot on your face,
sometimes it is the balm you need to conceal the hurt, bitterness, pain or
emptiness that scar your days.
It is easier to obsess &
fantasize over your next trip & purchase than face the reality. Also known
as retail therapy. It does work pretty
well at times. Until someone points out or worse, objects to your craziness.
Of course, you get mad. Caught
between feeling guilty for blowing up money on what people think are “useless
things” and defending your behavior, you wonder how to explain to them what it “really”
does for you. How do you explain that how the world seems perfect, even if it
is just for a few moments, when you live that way? How do you explain that you
are not strong enough yet to face your issues? What really troubles you…
Sometimes you don’t want to address
those issues, because there are no answers to them. No solutions. Sometimes you
don’t even know what it is, but you know enough that you don’t want to scratch
the surface.
It is easier to analyze a
product for its pros & cons, than life. Your friends reach out to you only
when they want to unload their burdens, their sorrows. But you somehow can’t do
it. You unload to the waterproof mascara adorning your lashes, and hope it will
support you and stay on when the tears flow. Because they will, it is only a
matter of when & where.
Some people resort to drinking
to forget their sorrows, some do drugs, some string in & out of
relationships faster than your grandmom knits, some work 14 hours a day wishing
that their life made as much sense as that excel spreadsheets. But some of us
buy makeup / shoes / clothes in the hope that at least our outside can be a
pretty shimmery pink, even if the inside of us is a muddled grey.
When I shop, the world gets better, and the
world is better, but then it's not, and I need to do it again. - Rebecca
Bloomwood (Confessions of a Shopaholic)
PS: I’ve
been there, when I was working with a boss who I hated more than I have hated
any living person, it was at its peak. I also have issues from childhood, having been a victim of abuse and I'm also dyslexic, so I have plenty of baggage.
I don’t do it anymore. At least not 99% of the time. I have
my grumpy days, but I don’t *have* to do it as much now. It hasn’t been easy,
still is tough at times. But if any of you are here, know that you will get
through. It will pass. And if you need support, you can reach out to me on
gtalk.
